Jayne's got a way
Jayne is telling me about her friend Allie:
"I don't understand." Allie would often confess to me. "I'm reaching out to people and it is like no one is reaching back." She would get flustered. Allie wanted friends; she needed friends. "What am I supposed to do? No one wants to put any effort into being friends with me." When she got upset like this I could only just sit there and listen. One day was different. I wanted to speak up, to say something. I told her that she could have lots of friends, that she was too picky. Allie didn't just want friends who replied to her emails; she wanted people who wrote with accents, odd verbal constructions, or witty insights. Allie only reached out to or put effort into relationships with people who met an unmentioned standard. I pointed this out to her, that she could have lots of people responding back if she would just reach out to those outside the standard she had set. I guaranteed her that her friend Katie would be up for just about any adventure Allie could offer, that given the chance, Katie would respond promptly and would reach out without prompting. No more of this disappointment of no one ever inviting you or responding to your texts. "I mean I guess your right. Katie is always really happy to see me. She would do just about anything I suggested. I'm just not that interested in what she has to give. I'm an ungrateful receiver. That makes me feel horrible. There's just so many people who bore me. That must make me a bad person." I told her that I understood and that I didn't think it made her a bad person, that I was rather picky with whom I spent my time. "Yeah, but you don't seem to be as troubled about it as I am. You are okay with not being around people. I'm just not that way." I told her that perhaps that was true, that she did seem rather troubled by the whole phenomenon. "I mean you are an awesome person. I think you are really cool, and that is why I keep reaching out to you even though you pretty much only reach out to me once a month, and only with a request for help. I send you articles and songs and invites to all sorts of stuff. I guess I'd prefer to have your distanced and unreciprocated presence in my life than the reactive, energetic presence of someone less interesting. Yeah, you are pretty much just a place holder for me until I find someone as cool as you but who also reaches out to me on their own on a regular basis. I would appreciate that attention. But, I don't want it from just anyone. In the mean time you get some of the good runoff." She was pretty pleased with her assessment of the situation. I think I understood pretty well what she was getting at. I was fine with it. I certainly didn't need more from her, and I didn't really want to give her more than what I was giving. I guess Allie would give me up when she found something better.
...
Jayne and I never discussed it, but I am pretty sure it turned out just like Allie described it. Now, I don't know if Allie found someone who was as interesting as Jayne, but I know she moved on, and I can only imagine that whoever the new friend was, a great girlfriend or a boyfriend, this new person was more responsive. I don't know why I stayed with Jayne for as long as I did. It was just as Allie said: Jayne never really reached out unless she needed something. I don't know if we could be more different. I only ever reached if I thought someone else needed something. I was too scared to bring up my own needs. I was too scared to forgive myself for every time I might have hurt someone else. I was scared I would hurt someone again. "Being with" someone like Jayne, I didn't have to worry about whether or not I would hurt her since she was never vulnerable or open to me in the first place. I guess you're starting from a pretty bad point when you can only feel safe and secure with someone who is completely unavailable.
I'd like to think I'm not so far gone or that I've retuned from such an extreme position.
"I don't understand." Allie would often confess to me. "I'm reaching out to people and it is like no one is reaching back." She would get flustered. Allie wanted friends; she needed friends. "What am I supposed to do? No one wants to put any effort into being friends with me." When she got upset like this I could only just sit there and listen. One day was different. I wanted to speak up, to say something. I told her that she could have lots of friends, that she was too picky. Allie didn't just want friends who replied to her emails; she wanted people who wrote with accents, odd verbal constructions, or witty insights. Allie only reached out to or put effort into relationships with people who met an unmentioned standard. I pointed this out to her, that she could have lots of people responding back if she would just reach out to those outside the standard she had set. I guaranteed her that her friend Katie would be up for just about any adventure Allie could offer, that given the chance, Katie would respond promptly and would reach out without prompting. No more of this disappointment of no one ever inviting you or responding to your texts. "I mean I guess your right. Katie is always really happy to see me. She would do just about anything I suggested. I'm just not that interested in what she has to give. I'm an ungrateful receiver. That makes me feel horrible. There's just so many people who bore me. That must make me a bad person." I told her that I understood and that I didn't think it made her a bad person, that I was rather picky with whom I spent my time. "Yeah, but you don't seem to be as troubled about it as I am. You are okay with not being around people. I'm just not that way." I told her that perhaps that was true, that she did seem rather troubled by the whole phenomenon. "I mean you are an awesome person. I think you are really cool, and that is why I keep reaching out to you even though you pretty much only reach out to me once a month, and only with a request for help. I send you articles and songs and invites to all sorts of stuff. I guess I'd prefer to have your distanced and unreciprocated presence in my life than the reactive, energetic presence of someone less interesting. Yeah, you are pretty much just a place holder for me until I find someone as cool as you but who also reaches out to me on their own on a regular basis. I would appreciate that attention. But, I don't want it from just anyone. In the mean time you get some of the good runoff." She was pretty pleased with her assessment of the situation. I think I understood pretty well what she was getting at. I was fine with it. I certainly didn't need more from her, and I didn't really want to give her more than what I was giving. I guess Allie would give me up when she found something better.
...
Jayne and I never discussed it, but I am pretty sure it turned out just like Allie described it. Now, I don't know if Allie found someone who was as interesting as Jayne, but I know she moved on, and I can only imagine that whoever the new friend was, a great girlfriend or a boyfriend, this new person was more responsive. I don't know why I stayed with Jayne for as long as I did. It was just as Allie said: Jayne never really reached out unless she needed something. I don't know if we could be more different. I only ever reached if I thought someone else needed something. I was too scared to bring up my own needs. I was too scared to forgive myself for every time I might have hurt someone else. I was scared I would hurt someone again. "Being with" someone like Jayne, I didn't have to worry about whether or not I would hurt her since she was never vulnerable or open to me in the first place. I guess you're starting from a pretty bad point when you can only feel safe and secure with someone who is completely unavailable.
I'd like to think I'm not so far gone or that I've retuned from such an extreme position.
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