Codependency

Jayne's attraction is magnetic. 

Have you ever found that special something that made you feel so understood, like you were known completely? That's how I feel when I read the descriptions of codependent behavior. 

Jayne is quite lost to it all. She is my emotional manipulator. I am drawn to her because the lack of balance in our care matches the same feelings from my earliest relationships, those that are most familiar and comfortable. 

Just a quick glance at any list of codependent behavior and I match up with almost every single point (See list below). With so many points matching up, we see this is not a light case, but rather an acute condition of emotional imbalance. 

I've known that I perpetuate unhealthy relationships for a while now. However, I made some big leaps forward a few years ago and I had that that was decent, a good start, enough--at least for momentum. I have removed myself from many codependent relationships, and I have restructured other relationships so they no longer pull me to behave in codependent ways; yet, I find that I have much unfinished business when it comes to loving and trusting myself. I am far from where I need to be. 

I feel, at this point, like I have a very clear answer for why I am not married. In some ways it is a relief to have that clarity. In other ways, it is simply sad to know that this trial, not tackled earlier on, has prevented me from enjoying life more fully. It is very sad, in fact. 

I have slowly recognized my own patterns for attaching myself to narcissists and emotional manipulators: these are the relationships that still haunt me as familiar and comfortable. Such relationships offer an emotional distance where I can act according to a clear role without having to expose my own needs and holding me safe in a place where I don't have to experience true vulnerable intimacy. 

Despite the desired familiarity, I have been able to stave off placing myself in any new long-term codependent relationships, having recognized the damage they do. At the same time, however, I have not entered into any new, potentially healthy relationships. Largely, I imagine, because they seem unfamiliar and unnerving. Not only am I intimidated by healthy individuals, I am turned off by the idea of dating another codependent. I have no desire to enable their self-sacrificing, self-effacing behavior. 

On one hand, you would think that I would simply fall in love in one of these situations and...BAM! I've got to deal with whatever cards I've been dealt. However, I am well past the point of trusting myself. As a long time codependent, it is simple, even reflexive for me to deny, cover up, and reinterpret my feelings, including my feelings towards others. I have this great fear that I will get in an unhealthy relationship and I will be trapped, unable to ever truly become myself. Because that is what it feels like when you are in a codependent relationship: like you have no access to be who you really are. 

Today, I am definitely much closer to my true self than I have ever been, however, I am very scared of not getting there, and feel like I need to get there before I can get into a relationship, before I got locked into living according to the expectations my future partner has for me. I have never liked the relationships I have built before enough that I wanted to remain in those situations for fear that I would be forced to continue the dynamic we shared.  

I wanted to get to the point where I truly like myself, where I truly let myself be myself before I get into a long-term, committed relationship. Otherwise, as I keep moving more toward who I want to be, I will be less like the person my spouse signed up for in the beginning, and in my experience, people generally don't like change, and people generally are annoyed when I am the real me.

I don't know how to trust being myself around others. I already live such a very solitary, lonely life. As one statement on codependency puts it: I draw people in, but once they get close, I keep them at a distance. 

I really don't know how to express my needs to others in a way that I feel is socially acceptable, in a way that is healthy, in a way that is interpersonally appropriate. My needs seem unaddressable. It seems best, therefore, to keep my needs to myself, trying to solve the little bits I can by myself. Subsequently, I am barely able to honestly express any emotions, except in convoluted ways. 

I think that is why Jayne has become so important to me over the years. She keeps a distance no matter what we share and I know that she won't be disappointed if I change at all because she already isn't that impressed with me. As it is, she seems rather underwhelmed by who I am. And, there is great safety in her holding me in such low regard---a level of regard that very much matches the level of regard I hold for myself. 

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions