Jayne expresses despair

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I saw something in her eyes, or maybe it was the nothing they said that prompted me to ask. "What's going on with you, Jayne?"

"It feels like it's over, that I've lost my chance to make it right. I know that I'm supposed to believe I am worth something, but that has never been easy. I have spent a great deal of my life responding out of fear rather than faith, and now I have lost what could have been, and what is left to have isn't as beautiful. What it must be to have sex when you are young and stupid and full of life. What it must feel like to grow to know yourself alongside another. The pain and the joy that reverberate, doubled by the presence of another as you make life's pivotal decisions. 

"And where am I? At 33, I am old. I have lived so many years already. I've been blessed, gifted with so many years of life. What have I done with them? Have they been squandered away? What use or beauty is my life if it is not building the one thing that actually matters according to my beliefs? Long-term, committed, loving relationships? But, how unsuccessful I am even at that when I can barely love and accept myself. And I know this is an issue, but I don't know what to do. I have worked tirelessly to try to show myself kindness and acceptance, year after year, in the hopes that my love for self might grow, in the hopes that I might establish some sustainable sense of self worth. It has yet to occur.

"I have done so little with so much time. Generations have done so much more with far less time on this earth. All those who passed away as children, as young adults, with young families, all of these have lived more valiantly than myself. I am a mess. Best to stay away from me. Best not to bring others into this. Smart people stay away. People that know what a healthy relationship looks like, they stay away from messes like me."

I stood there, mouth agape. I didn't know what to tell her. Go to therapy? You have worth? None of that is true? It all seemed too formula a response for situation that was way more real than I wanted to enter at that moment. I stood there, blank and flustered until Jayne waved her hand, said "don't worry about it," and walked away. I don't know.